Change. revitalizing. worth it.

November 7, 2019 at 5:22 pm | Posted in adventures, life, Travel | Leave a comment

Two weeks. That’s all it took to change how I look at my future.

Being in Oregon changed how I see things at home in Connecticut. The general feeling that I had while in central Oregon (near Sisters and Bend), was one of genuine kindness and thoughtfulness of others, which was seen in diverse things. The genuine friendliness of people who are open and happy to share things about what they are doing or even inviting others to join them.  The was a difference in the behavior, the attitudes, the pace, and even the willingness to do more for taking responsibility for caring for the environment. People take the time to really connect.

I was so impressed by the beautiful mountains and spectacular vistas. For two weeks, we drove all over, hiked, ate fabulous food, and had many adventures. Horses were seen on a regular basis. My friend’s chickens produce plenty of eggs to enjoy. Her dogs joined us on almost every adventure. The rodeo took place across the road. Teenagers in the house being happy. Wonderful communication in the household… respectful, thoughtful, transparent, playful. Laughter every day!!!

My soul was happy when I was there, sharing daily connection with people who are so kind, thoughtful, and inclusive. They love adventures, and I loved being a part of the adventures too. I’ll be making a plan for another adventure soon.

I know I need to have change in my life. Change is revitalizing and refreshing the soul. I don’t want to continue to live alone. I know the essential human needs include being connected, having a sense of belonging, a purpose, feeling safe, and having a sense of variety as well. I am working on putting those things back into my life.

I survived cancer. I don’t want to waste the opportunity to really feel alive. Things need to change, and I have hard work ahead of me to have that happen. Some days it is really challenging to keep moving forward and not seeing drastic change. Some days I am on fire with it. My next chapter is coming soon.



still struggling

October 20, 2016 at 6:28 am | Posted in ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder, Depression, life | Leave a comment

It’s a daily battle… I wonder how much of my depression is a product of my ADD. I know that being ADD can sometimes make the ordinary feel more overwhelming. I know that my thoughts spin really quickly and so many things swim in there that it’s hard to feel like I get anywhere. And not being productive brings me down the dark path of depression. I don’t want to go dark again. I did that 2 years ago. It was dismal and I want to be happy, and share my days and nights WITH people I love.

Being alone is crappy for me. Sometimes people tell me “Oh, I LOVE when I get time alone”, and sure, I love it sometimes too. But… too much of it (especially for someone prone to depression) really takes a toll. And I find that I end up having to explain to people, and even defend myself, about not liking being alone. Why is it that other people NEED to tell you that they like being alone, right after you’ve told them that you hate it?

When I first got divorced 4 years ago, I loved having time alone. I had an entire space to myself when my boys were with their dad. I had room to think, and puzzle through my new existence. But as time went on, I found that I would leave my space when I was alone, to go be at the pub in town to be WITH people. I was still okay with that. It was new to go out so often. The town, and the pub, are small, and it was easy to get to know people. Fun. Connecting. But I soon grew weary of that, and the need to go “out” to see people. Going out meant I would need to come home to nobody, and after a fun night out with people, I would come home and be lonely.

Now? Four and a half years later… I’m in a great relationship. That makes me really happy, but… right now it almost feels worse, because I know it’s within reach to have a shared space, yet it is so hard to even see when “together” will happen. The factors that need to change for us to really BE together seem so out of reach. So all sorts of little things set me off. I try to hold it together and not wallow in my sadness. But many days lately, it is severe. I hate this feeling, but don’t see a way out at the moment (which  makes it feel even worse). I go to bed alone. Wake up alone. I want things to change because I know that will help tremendously. I don’t have much patience for waiting, especially when I KNOW what will help me, and I just can’t make that happen right now. And that is making it really hard, and spinning me onto the brink of depression. I am so touch and go lately.

I don’t want to go back on meds. I’ve been off of them for about a  year and a half (since before I met my awesome man). But, I’m struggling and don’t know what to do. I do have a new ‘script for meds from my doctor, and filled it. I just am not sure I want to start them.


October 4, 2016 at 11:45 am | Posted in Depression, life | Leave a comment

Yes. I fight it. Have for years. I deal with things for a while. And get through. And have incredibly good things too. And then I struggle in ways that others just don’t understand. Some do. Many don’t get it at all (and offer unhelpful ‘advice’). I try so hard to be the light… To be the happy fun person that I am so often. 

I need to write about my struggle with depression. I need to crawl out of my darkness. Write and maybe help someone else through it. I google things about depression, hoping to come across something that will help. Maybe someone will find this and it will help them. I don’t know. 

I go on meds. I try to exercise, but often that’s the hardest thing to do when I’m down (even though I know it helps). I have taken other meds (including forms of birth control) that may contribute and make depression worse. I don’t want to be on meds. I’m ok with homeopathic things that might help, and need to delve deeper into that. 

I need to write more often. I know things that I ‘need’ to do that might help. But actually doing those things is, at times, beyond what I can handle. Lately… I’m in a dark difficult place, and I need help getting out of it. 

Hoping that writing again, and more, will help me, or maybe someone else. I’ve always hidden it, and have never felt ok about posting something like this. More to come?

Wordle… totally fun to make!

July 4, 2009 at 11:59 am | Posted in life, maine, vinalhaven | Leave a comment
Wordle: Vinalhaven

This was so much fun to make! go to and create one!

horses in Virginia

April 30, 2009 at 4:28 pm | Posted in life, riding | Leave a comment

I was lucky enough to visit my friend Sarah, from college. She lives in Virginia about an hour west of Alexandria. It is BEAUTIFUL horse country there. rolling hills, miles of fenced pastures, many horses and barns. heaven.

It was summery weather, and we rode through the trails along the properties, where there is a right of way….. for miles! we galloped and went through streams, swam in the pond with the horses, rode at the ‘community barn and rings, and jumping field’. so much fun. I could be there in a heartbeat. I just am so happy when I am around and on horses!

red velvet cake, and a drive

April 17, 2009 at 12:25 am | Posted in food, life, riding | Leave a comment

Had the treat of having a fabulous Red Velvet Cake from Magnolia Bakery in New York City! It was Trish’s birthday, so we had a feast in the clubhouse at the barn. Tyra, who rides at the barn a few days a week, owns the bakery….. so every now and then we get treats. Trish requested this cake for the party. I couldn’t believe how fantastic it looked when she cut into it!

It looked amazing in the sunlight in the kitchen…..

Then Trish drove me all over the place on the way to her house for the night. I love driving with Trish. It is always an adventure. We drove around Dutchess county where the scenery is mind boggling!

pizza adventures

April 15, 2009 at 9:40 pm | Posted in boys, food, life | Leave a comment

Over vacation with the boys, I wanted to do something fun with them. They were tired of alot of stuff though, since they had just come back from DC visiting Adam’s mom with him. We went for pizza the first day back, and I thought it might be fun to go to some fun pizza places… so we decided to have “Pizza Adventures”

Bohemian Pizza in Litchfield…

this kept us busy while waiting…
Emmett wanted to play ‘hangman’

amazing pizza at Randy’s Wooster Street Pizza….

this one was soooo good!
believe it or not… white pizza with mashed potato, ham, garlic, and olive oil! amazing!

beautiful view

April 5, 2009 at 11:18 pm | Posted in life | Leave a comment

this stunning view is in New York on the way from the barn to the grocery store! simply stunning! I had to pull over.

(click it to see it bigger… it is so beautiful!)

and this is just a little up the road from that!

Trish’s Frog

March 12, 2009 at 11:18 pm | Posted in life, pets | Leave a comment

I am staying at Trish’s house …
and she honored me with reciting her first poem from when she was in 3rd grade (or so)

Apparently it is no longer on paper, so I decided it should be posted here to have others enjoy such wonderful child’s prose.

My Frog

my frog is green with spots of brown,
he learned to swim so he would not drown.
to my surprise it is his wish,
to swim around with my goldfish.
in Africa where they are found,
you will not find them on the ground,
but in a pool real deep and cool.
will you stop in and see him soon?
I got him when he was just new,
and if you like him, like he likes you,
you might like him, like I do.

Trish Helmer

herding sheep

November 8, 2008 at 2:17 pm | Posted in life, pets | Leave a comment

I had the opportunity to go watch some sheep herding the other day. I jumped at it! I had never been, and thought it sounded fun. Trish has an Australian Sheep Dog that is about 2 years old. The breeder lives nearby and has a beautiful (and huge) farm with many sheep, fabulous horses, etc. So, the other day after my riding lesson, Trish and I went to the farm, and I watched her practice with her dog to herd the sheep…..

By the time we left, the sun was going down and the sky was glowing behind the trees. It was wonderful fiery fall colors, that the camera did not even come close to doing justice.

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