still struggling

October 20, 2016 at 6:28 am | Posted in ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder, Depression, life | Leave a comment

It’s a daily battle… I wonder how much of my depression is a product of my ADD. I know that being ADD can sometimes make the ordinary feel more overwhelming. I know that my thoughts spin really quickly and so many things swim in there that it’s hard to feel like I get anywhere. And not being productive brings me down the dark path of depression. I don’t want to go dark again. I did that 2 years ago. It was dismal and I want to be happy, and share my days and nights WITH people I love.

Being alone is crappy for me. Sometimes people tell me “Oh, I LOVE when I get time alone”, and sure, I love it sometimes too. But… too much of it (especially for someone prone to depression) really takes a toll. And I find that I end up having to explain to people, and even defend myself, about not liking being alone. Why is it that other people NEED to tell you that they like being alone, right after you’ve told them that you hate it?

When I first got divorced 4 years ago, I loved having time alone. I had an entire space to myself when my boys were with their dad. I had room to think, and puzzle through my new existence. But as time went on, I found that I would leave my space when I was alone, to go be at the pub in town to be WITH people. I was still okay with that. It was new to go out so often. The town, and the pub, are small, and it was easy to get to know people. Fun. Connecting. But I soon grew weary of that, and the need to go “out” to see people. Going out meant I would need to come home to nobody, and after a fun night out with people, I would come home and be lonely.

Now? Four and a half years later… I’m in a great relationship. That makes me really happy, but… right now it almost feels worse, because I know it’s within reach to have a shared space, yet it is so hard to even see when “together” will happen. The factors that need to change for us to really BE together seem so out of reach. So all sorts of little things set me off. I try to hold it together and not wallow in my sadness. But many days lately, it is severe. I hate this feeling, but don’t see a way out at the moment (which  makes it feel even worse). I go to bed alone. Wake up alone. I want things to change because I know that will help tremendously. I don’t have much patience for waiting, especially when I KNOW what will help me, and I just can’t make that happen right now. And that is making it really hard, and spinning me onto the brink of depression. I am so touch and go lately.

I don’t want to go back on meds. I’ve been off of them for about a  year and a half (since before I met my awesome man). But, I’m struggling and don’t know what to do. I do have a new ‘script for meds from my doctor, and filled it. I just am not sure I want to start them.

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Depression

October 4, 2016 at 11:45 am | Posted in Depression, life | Leave a comment
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Yes. I fight it. Have for years. I deal with things for a while. And get through. And have incredibly good things too. And then I struggle in ways that others just don’t understand. Some do. Many don’t get it at all (and offer unhelpful ‘advice’). I try so hard to be the light… To be the happy fun person that I am so often. 

I need to write about my struggle with depression. I need to crawl out of my darkness. Write and maybe help someone else through it. I google things about depression, hoping to come across something that will help. Maybe someone will find this and it will help them. I don’t know. 

I go on meds. I try to exercise, but often that’s the hardest thing to do when I’m down (even though I know it helps). I have taken other meds (including forms of birth control) that may contribute and make depression worse. I don’t want to be on meds. I’m ok with homeopathic things that might help, and need to delve deeper into that. 

I need to write more often. I know things that I ‘need’ to do that might help. But actually doing those things is, at times, beyond what I can handle. Lately… I’m in a dark difficult place, and I need help getting out of it. 

Hoping that writing again, and more, will help me, or maybe someone else. I’ve always hidden it, and have never felt ok about posting something like this. More to come?

Wordle… totally fun to make!

July 4, 2009 at 11:59 am | Posted in life, maine, vinalhaven | Leave a comment
Wordle: Vinalhaven

This was so much fun to make! go to wordle.net and create one!

horses in Virginia

April 30, 2009 at 4:28 pm | Posted in life, riding | Leave a comment

I was lucky enough to visit my friend Sarah, from college. She lives in Virginia about an hour west of Alexandria. It is BEAUTIFUL horse country there. rolling hills, miles of fenced pastures, many horses and barns. heaven.

It was summery weather, and we rode through the trails along the properties, where there is a right of way….. for miles! we galloped and went through streams, swam in the pond with the horses, rode at the ‘community barn and rings, and jumping field’. so much fun. I could be there in a heartbeat. I just am so happy when I am around and on horses!





red velvet cake, and a drive

April 17, 2009 at 12:25 am | Posted in food, life, riding | Leave a comment

Had the treat of having a fabulous Red Velvet Cake from Magnolia Bakery in New York City! It was Trish’s birthday, so we had a feast in the clubhouse at the barn. Tyra, who rides at the barn a few days a week, owns the bakery….. so every now and then we get treats. Trish requested this cake for the party. I couldn’t believe how fantastic it looked when she cut into it!


It looked amazing in the sunlight in the kitchen…..


Then Trish drove me all over the place on the way to her house for the night. I love driving with Trish. It is always an adventure. We drove around Dutchess county where the scenery is mind boggling!




pizza adventures

April 15, 2009 at 9:40 pm | Posted in boys, food, life | Leave a comment

Over vacation with the boys, I wanted to do something fun with them. They were tired of alot of stuff though, since they had just come back from DC visiting Adam’s mom with him. We went for pizza the first day back, and I thought it might be fun to go to some fun pizza places… so we decided to have “Pizza Adventures”

Bohemian Pizza in Litchfield…



this kept us busy while waiting…
Emmett wanted to play ‘hangman’

amazing pizza at Randy’s Wooster Street Pizza….

this one was soooo good!
believe it or not… white pizza with mashed potato, ham, garlic, and olive oil! amazing!

beautiful view

April 5, 2009 at 11:18 pm | Posted in life | Leave a comment

this stunning view is in New York on the way from the barn to the grocery store! simply stunning! I had to pull over.

(click it to see it bigger… it is so beautiful!)

and this is just a little up the road from that!

Trish’s Frog

March 12, 2009 at 11:18 pm | Posted in life, pets | Leave a comment

I am staying at Trish’s house …
and she honored me with reciting her first poem from when she was in 3rd grade (or so)

Apparently it is no longer on paper, so I decided it should be posted here to have others enjoy such wonderful child’s prose.

My Frog

my frog is green with spots of brown,
he learned to swim so he would not drown.
to my surprise it is his wish,
to swim around with my goldfish.
in Africa where they are found,
you will not find them on the ground,
but in a pool real deep and cool.
will you stop in and see him soon?
I got him when he was just new,
and if you like him, like he likes you,
you might like him, like I do.

Trish Helmer
1961

herding sheep

November 8, 2008 at 2:17 pm | Posted in life, pets | Leave a comment


I had the opportunity to go watch some sheep herding the other day. I jumped at it! I had never been, and thought it sounded fun. Trish has an Australian Sheep Dog that is about 2 years old. The breeder lives nearby and has a beautiful (and huge) farm with many sheep, fabulous horses, etc. So, the other day after my riding lesson, Trish and I went to the farm, and I watched her practice with her dog to herd the sheep…..


By the time we left, the sun was going down and the sky was glowing behind the trees. It was wonderful fiery fall colors, that the camera did not even come close to doing justice.

moving on

November 2, 2008 at 12:44 am | Posted in life | 1 Comment

My parents are moving to a retirement community. What a huge project. I have gone down several times to help them, which I know they need and appreciate. It is tiring for me, so I know it is exhausting for them!

They live an hour away, and are moving to a place that is another 1/2 hour from them. It is alot of moving, which is the least of the undertaking. They have so much stuff, that it is an overwhelming task. They need to part with soooo many things, which is very hard for them. My mom wants to find loving homes for each and every item, which on one hand I understand, but on the other, just be done. I have had to take on alot of it, as, of the four siblings, it is me that the task is falling on mostly for several reasons.

That said, it is inspiring me to rethink my house, and ‘things’ and life. Yes, I am going through that mid-life thing anyway, but this has made me open my eyes even more. I need change on many levels. I need income on a larger level for so many reasons. I need horses to stay back in my life. I need to do a better job at not keeping ‘things’. I need to be more free of all of the clutter of my life. Need a catharsis. ( the tag sale I had today helped alot with that!)


I don’t want to end up with my possessions possessing me. I went down to their house last Saturday morning, expecting to be a few hours. Mom wanted me to look at silver, silverware, and linens. I ended up not leaving until the following evening… so much to do!

I loved sleeping on the big old velvet couch… and decided that I really DO want to have that after all as a result of sleeping on it! There is very little that I want to keep from their ‘things’. Apparently now the big velvet couch is one of them. And I have no idea how I will get it into my house!

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