Wildflower in the Wind

still struggling

It’s a daily battle… I wonder how much of my depression is a product of my ADD. I know that being ADD can sometimes make the ordinary feel more overwhelming. I know that my thoughts spin really quickly and so many things swim in there that it’s hard to feel like I get anywhere. And not being productive brings me down the dark path of depression. I don’t want to go dark again. I did that 2 years ago. It was dismal and I want to be happy, and share my days and nights WITH people I love.

Being alone is crappy for me. Sometimes people tell me “Oh, I LOVE when I get time alone”, and sure, I love it sometimes too. But… too much of it (especially for someone prone to depression) really takes a toll. And I find that I end up having to explain to people, and even defend myself, about not liking being alone. Why is it that other people NEED to tell you that they like being alone, right after you’ve told them that you hate it?

When I first got divorced 4 years ago, I loved having time alone. I had an entire space to myself when my boys were with their dad. I had room to think, and puzzle through my new existence. But as time went on, I found that I would leave my space when I was alone, to go be at the pub in town to be WITH people. I was still okay with that. It was new to go out so often. The town, and the pub, are small, and it was easy to get to know people. Fun. Connecting. But I soon grew weary of that, and the need to go “out” to see people. Going out meant I would need to come home to nobody, and after a fun night out with people, I would come home and be lonely.

Now? Four and a half years later… I’m in a great relationship. That makes me really happy, but… right now it almost feels worse, because I know it’s within reach to have a shared space, yet it is so hard to even see when “together” will happen. The factors that need to change for us to really BE together seem so out of reach. So all sorts of little things set me off. I try to hold it together and not wallow in my sadness. But many days lately, it is severe. I hate this feeling, but don’t see a way out at the moment (which  makes it feel even worse). I go to bed alone. Wake up alone. I want things to change because I know that will help tremendously. I don’t have much patience for waiting, especially when I KNOW what will help me, and I just can’t make that happen right now. And that is making it really hard, and spinning me onto the brink of depression. I am so touch and go lately.

I don’t want to go back on meds. I’ve been off of them for about a  year and a half (since before I met my awesome man). But, I’m struggling and don’t know what to do. I do have a new ‘script for meds from my doctor, and filled it. I just am not sure I want to start them.