It’s a daily battle… I wonder how much of my depression is a product of my ADD. I know that being ADD can sometimes make the ordinary feel more overwhelming. I know that my thoughts spin really quickly and so many things swim in there that it’s hard to feel like I get anywhere. And not being productive brings me down the dark path of depression. I don’t want to go dark again. I did that 2 years ago. It was dismal and I want to be happy, and share my days and nights WITH people I love.
Being alone is crappy for me. Sometimes people tell me “Oh, I LOVE when I get time alone”, and sure, I love it sometimes too. But… too much of it (especially for someone prone to depression) really takes a toll. And I find that I end up having to explain to people, and even defend myself, about not liking being alone. Why is it that other people NEED to tell you that they like being alone, right after you’ve told them that you hate it?
When I first got divorced 4 years ago, I loved having time alone. I had an entire space to myself when my boys were with their dad. I had room to think, and puzzle through my new existence. But as time went on, I found that I would leave my space when I was alone, to go be at the pub in town to be WITH people. I was still okay with that. It was new to go out so often. The town, and the pub, are small, and it was easy to get to know people. Fun. Connecting. But I soon grew weary of that, and the need to go “out” to see people. Going out meant I would need to come home to nobody, and after a fun night out with people, I would come home and be lonely.
Now? Four and a half years later… I’m in a great relationship. That makes me really happy, but… right now it almost feels worse, because I know it’s within reach to have a shared space, yet it is so hard to even see when “together” will happen. The factors that need to change for us to really BE together seem so out of reach. So all sorts of little things set me off. I try to hold it together and not wallow in my sadness. But many days lately, it is severe. I hate this feeling, but don’t see a way out at the moment (which makes it feel even worse). I go to bed alone. Wake up alone. I want things to change because I know that will help tremendously. I don’t have much patience for waiting, especially when I KNOW what will help me, and I just can’t make that happen right now. And that is making it really hard, and spinning me onto the brink of depression. I am so touch and go lately.
I don’t want to go back on meds. I’ve been off of them for about a year and a half (since before I met my awesome man). But, I’m struggling and don’t know what to do. I do have a new ‘script for meds from my doctor, and filled it. I just am not sure I want to start them.
Yes. I fight it. Have for years. I deal with things for a while. And get through. And have incredibly good things too. And then I struggle in ways that others just don’t understand. Some do. Many don’t get it at all (and offer unhelpful ‘advice’). I try so hard to be the light… To be the happy fun person that I am so often.
I need to write about my struggle with depression. I need to crawl out of my darkness. Write and maybe help someone else through it. I google things about depression, hoping to come across something that will help. Maybe someone will find this and it will help them. I don’t know.
I go on meds. I try to exercise, but often that’s the hardest thing to do when I’m down (even though I know it helps). I have taken other meds (including forms of birth control) that may contribute and make depression worse. I don’t want to be on meds. I’m ok with homeopathic things that might help, and need to delve deeper into that.
I need to write more often. I know things that I ‘need’ to do that might help. But actually doing those things is, at times, beyond what I can handle. Lately… I’m in a dark difficult place, and I need help getting out of it.
Hoping that writing again, and more, will help me, or maybe someone else. I’ve always hidden it, and have never felt ok about posting something like this. More to come?
I want to start a ‘learning kitchen’ and I am going to school for health and nutrition coaching to become well-versed in the many aspect of health and nutrition. But where I excel and thrive is in teaching others how to do new things. I love breaking things down and making it simple to learn something.
I want to make it easy for people to cook and eat fresh, healthful food. I have been working on what classes would be the most helpful and fun. If you have any ideas about what might be good, please let me know!
I have been working on creating the following classes:
- Going gluten free
- Vegetarian for teens
- Simple weeknight meals
- How to grocery shop for healthy cooking… What to keep on hand for quick weeknight meals
- Single parent cooking… When you only have your kids part time
It was truly a delicious stop! It was one we couldn’t pass up as we drove by. and thank goodness we didn’t! The onion rings were to die for. The best I’ve ever had, with a dipping sauce that was delicious and unique.
and the sampler of meats was the obvious choice…
I love that he has started reading on his own finally. Both of my kids just didn’t want to, until they were ready… and now he is!!! love it!!! lying in bed at night, a good book….. yay!!!
I am thinking that I’d love to flip a house. I’ve wanted to do it for many years, and I think maybe now is the time.
I found one that I looked at today, which seems to have good potential, as the kitchen is horrid and needs an overhaul, and a new layout…. and the bathroom upstairs is terrible too.
But the house is sunny, and bright, nice hardwood floors, good area, and I liked it. I think the problems are fairly easy to fix, and hoping I can figure it all out, do it, then sell it and make some money 🙂
I’m trying to write for an article about personal organizing, which I happen to be REALLY good at. Why is the writing part so hard for me when I’ve been doing it here for so long? I can go into someone’s home and help them overhaul and organize, and move furniture around to make it work much better. So why is it so hard for me to write about?
I just did it over the weekend at my parents cottage, (which they don’t use, but instead mostly just store things in it). The bedroom was virtually unusable, and had twin beds piled high with boxes and more. When you walked in the door, all you could see were beds with boxes, bags and boxes filled with “stuff” all around the room, and basically utter chaos. (ok, and I forgot to take a “before” photo… again)
Now there is one corner that now has boxes piled high in it, but is hidden from view when you first walk in. So when you first approach the room, and enter it, you see a beautiful king-sized bed, a comfy chair for reading, a “tiny tim” piano in the corner with a table and chair beside it. There are a few prints on the walls, and some treasured items creatively placed around the room to enhance it. There is a sense of peace now in the room, and it is enjoyable to sleep in!
I know I am good at this, why can’t I figure out how to make money at it? I know I do better with “company” so it would be great to have a business partner. I need an income. I need to work and feel useful other than what I do in my own house. I seem to always struggle with this.
I have an opportunity to apply for a job writing articles about organizing. I am struggling with writing the one to apply for the job! Aargghhhh. I will keep trying, now that I have vented about it here.
We went up to Friends weekend at Eli’s camp. Every year, Labor Day Weekend, they have the camp open to people who are affiliated with the camp in some way. You book it ahead, and each family, or group, has their own cabin. Many activities are open, the waterfront is open, and there is good food. A fun weekend. You bring your own bedding and pay only $30 per person for each of the 2 weekend days. So for $60, you stay Friday through Monday, and have fun.
We brought a friend of Eli’s with us this year, so there were more bodies in our cabin. We had a waterfront cabin this year, which meant my bunk was about 20′ from the water. Heaven.
We did alot of riflery, some swimming, kayaking, woodworking (making pens), and I hennaed for about 4 hours. There was kareoke one night, and a hike one day to Douglas Mountain, where the views are fantastic!
Basically, we had fantastic weather and everyone had alot of fun. We drove home on Monday, and we were exhausted!
I am already tired of the school, and it is only day 4. Emmett is in 2nd grade, and I am so unimpressed with school in general. He has far too much academics, far too little playtime, far too many helicopter adults. And he hates it. How can you hate school at such a young age? They have already ruined his experience.
I am intently reading Free-Range Kids, and it is fabulous! Every parent should have a copy, and should really learn from it.
Emmett had BLUE ice cream! and pizza. in that order. We didn’t have any ice cream when he asked for it, so I made him fabulous homemade vanilla and cinnamon ice cream…. which he wanted to be colored blue. So it was. Then he had good organic pizza.
This supper was followed by watching TV in his preferred position…..